My marriage is him vs me. Anyone have advice on how to get us on the same team?

No matter what I do it is not right .Our arguements are always a he said/she said kind of thing. I know I am just as guilty because I play into it. I didn't expect utopia but I kind of thought we would be each other's support system/ally/friend by now. (8 years). After every disagreement I realize that I was just pitted in a him vs me situatiion. I want an us situation. We are still not on the same page about anything. I don't want to get divorced, I want a solution. Maybe we need therapy.


I am so stressed right now (in the middle of nursing school). When I started school we sat down and had a talk about him pitching more. He agreed, but since nursing school started 4 months ago, all he has done is one day- he did some laundry. He even stopped doing his one in house chore- taking the trash out. I do everything inside. I just want some back up here. I have 8 more months of school. I guess I just need to go one day at a time.My marriage is him vs me. Anyone have advice on how to get us on the same team?
One day at a time sounds right. You also need to remember that doing what you are doing - going to school - is stressful. You have actually added stress to your life and wondered why you're stressed. There's nothing to wonder about - everything looks different when you have stress. You may think you manage school much better than your home life but what is happening is you're taking stress from school demands, meeting the demands, and bringing the stress home - and seeing it worked out at home.


I like 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' for working out what you want and how you get it. Steven Covey has an idea for getting people to work together - it's called 'win-win' and he explains it. I don't have time to read so I listen to it on CD in the car. You can usually find the CD or the book in any bookstore - it's been on the NYT best seller's list for a long time.My marriage is him vs me. Anyone have advice on how to get us on the same team?
You both need to sit down and talk about things not working out between you both.You have made it together for 8 years and you need to work together to make it last forever.Things will not always work out the way you want it to but working together helps.If you think you need help and he is willing then go for it.He needs to listen to you without it being his way all the time, sounds like therapy to me
Bring in your mom to do the chores.... He'll help out. NO MAN wants his mother inlaw washing his skid stained drawers. Otherwise hes not a man. Kick him to the curb.
I just went through something similar to this. You should go to counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. It will still help you. One thing my counselor told me was that guys and girls think differently. She said, ';If I told you that you lost everything, you were now homeless, and had to go sleep in a park, what would you feel? '; '; I said scared'; She then explained that most girls feel scared, and guys are more shamed. Becuase that is hows guys think, and mostly because of the way we are raised. If a mother doesn't want their child to do something, like go swimming when she isn't home she will tell her daughter it isn't safe and the daughter will usually agree and obey. On the other side, if she tells her son the same he will most likely do it. When she catches him she will say';shame on you. or I'm so disappointed.. and he will most likely not do it. So now as adults if we complain to our husband they feel like we are getting onto them....





this is just one point, and it has made a big difference. that we had to learn how to fight fair. You should sit down and tell him you feel overwhelmed and you need to what to do. Try to get his opinion. Get him talking, or at least seeing how you feel stressed with all the household duties and school. Then ask if there is anything he would be willing to do to help you. Make a list so he can see in writing everything you do and can pick from them. He won't want to sit down for an hour and talk about it, so the easier you make it, the better.





All in all, I highly recommend counseling, but find someone good. We actually had someone support a decision for us to get divorced!! We were there trying to work out our issues, not make them worse, so find someone good!! Also, if you can't get him to go to counseling, try rephrasing it. Say you are going to see them to help better yourself and it was recommend that he go so he could offer his input. To help you. Then it takes the pressure off of him. That is what mine suggested and it worked.
You do what you need to do for yourself and let him take care of himself, if he can't thats his problem. Sometimes personalities clash, if you both can't get a grip on your relationship, then you don't have one and its time to move on. Ask yourself, what do I really have in common with this guy? Where am I going? What do I want out of this relationship? And where is he going? If its two different directions, then you know what the answer is. Its tough but not as tough as living with a helldog!
Wow, there is a whole lot in here. You know, I have worked with a lot of couples and have found one thing to be true in all situations and I think it is true in yours as well: ';Advice is usually something we ask for when we know the answer and either wish we did not or we are looking for reassurance.';





It sounds like you know where to start because you admit that you are playing into it. Sure, he may be doing his part to. But you would be blown away at how reasonable a person will become if you are become the one to throw a spoke in the wheel. You can begin by taking responsibility for your part and asking for his forgiveness. Yes, it's hard but it is the first step to restoring trust and respect which has been lost. Also, guys are pretty sensitive if they feel like they are being nagged to do something so you may want to ease up if you are on his case about the chores. Try sitting down and coming into agreement about what he will do around the house and what you will do. If he does not do his part, just let it go. Seriously, see what he does. I have found that people are less likely to do something if they think that you are going to pick up their slack. Again, this is not easy but it sure beats what you are going through right now. I wish I could say more but I hope that gives you somewhere to start. It sounds like you know what to do. You can do it!


-Good luck, Jon