I am really trying to work on my marriage, just would like some advice?

My wife and I were married in June 2005, She gave me an ultimatum for a ring after dating me for about a year and a half. I didn't want to get married to her so soon because she was showing me signs I didn't like....I am a Christian and We both had sex before marriage and We felt guilty about it. So we decided to wait for sex until marriage....Well, needless to say, she doesn't like sex, she is very inhibited, and sex last for about 5 minutes until she hurts. She has a vaginal tear that the doctors have told her is not repairable. I have now been without sex for 7 months. She stays at home now and does not work, she does do some cooking and cleaning now that she is not working, but I would think she would be going out of her way to help me keep our new house spotless. We are in Christian Counseling right now, but I don't know if she really wants to change. Any advice for me? I have never really been depressed, but this is starting to get me down...I am really trying to work on my marriage, just would like some advice?
I'm sorry for what you are going thru but you don't need this,please if your'e not happy divorce is the only option.I am really trying to work on my marriage, just would like some advice?
Cheer up. She sounds like she is maniplitave and you deserve better. You say you didn't want to get married, but you felt pressure because you had sex before marriage. And now she doesn't want sex? If you did it before marriage and she was fine, it shouldn't be a problem now. I think she is just using sex to control you. She doesn't work and you support her, but she isn't doing what a wife should. She needs to take care of you. Have you talked to her gyno yourself to confirm her story of the tear? sounds suspicious to me.
first of all, don't let any woman pressure you into getting married (next time). second...she needs to find another obgyn who can help her with that vaginal tear. there are options...if she wants to have sex with you again...then she will need to do what is necessary in reparing that vaginal tear. and go with her and ask her doctor (for your own personal research).
My only advice for you is to keep going to your counseling, pray for guidance, and be patient.





I wish your wife had asked for advice, I would have said to find another doctor and to work to discover why being intimate with you is not a pleasure for her. But she didn't ask so I will shut up.
I do hope your counseling works. But you interred a marriage that you felt you were not ready for! You should of never done that. No matter the pressure from another person you should never settle and never submit unless it is truly what you want and believe in. If it doesn't work at least next time you will learn and not do it again. Good luck!
Awww. Keep working at it and a little prayer never hurt anybody. Keep the faith. Everything will work out fine.
Why did you marry her, just because she gave you an ultimatum ? That is certainly not a good reason to get married. If you were not sure about how you felt about her you should have waited until you knew it was what you wanted. Also if you had already had sex before you were married you should have known about her problems with sex. Ofcourse you would be feeling rejected and depressed about what is happening in your life but you have made your choices whether they were right or wrong only you and your wife can decide that. Yes l guess your wife should certainly be doing her fair share of housework , especially if she is not even contributing financially. If l were you l would try sitting down with her and discussing all these issues and if she is not prepared to change anything or to try and make things better for the two of you, she really leaves you no option but to seriously consider divorce. After all you deserve to be happy too.It sounds to me like you do everything to please her. I think that now it is your turn to get what makes you happy for a change. Hope it all works out well for you. Good Luck.
It sounds like you both married for the wrong reasons.


In everything you wrote, you never once mentioned that you love her or that she has said she loves you.


I don't understand how she got a vaginal tear. Sounds like there is more to this. Were you her only lover? Are you sure? She wasn't raped was she? Sorry about being so personal.


It also should be fixable. Were you there when the doctor told her this or is this what she is telling you.


If you were there, go to another doctor.


Why is she not working anymore?


Not everyone is good at housework or cooking.





My husband is my everything. We each have our faults but we also compliment each other so well. We have been married 20+ years, with lots of ups and downs, but it has been a wonderful ride so far.
You are doing well to work at your marriage and I appreciate this is a hard situation. My advice would be to continue to go to counselling and to maintain your integrity before God. Don't allow your wifes behaviour to affect your own behaviour. The sex issue is difficult and I would encourage your wife to get another specialist opinion on her condition. It sounds very unusual. Most women experience tears in childbirth and it is very easily repaired. As you would know the only real condition of divorce biblically is unfaithfulness. We marry our partners for better or for worse and quite often we don't expect to have to live through too much of the worse but this ends up being reality for us sometimes.





I would encourage you to be tenacious and strong and stay committed to the vows you made before God. You are doing well to go to christian counselling. Pray about this situation and ask for prayer from other trusted christians. Seek God on this issue and ask Him to show you what you need to change as you cannot change your wife.





Sometimes when situations like this happen in marriage and you hang in there and be strong you will find that if you get through this you will have a stronger relationship on the other side. Truly strong relationships are built on getting through the ups and downs together.





God bless you - I hope you can work this out and are blessed in your marriage in the future.
Sorry to hear that babe. It sounds like she is down and depressed herself about something. I wish I had some advice to give but I need to hear both sides. All I can say is, she once gave you an ultimatum, now its time you gave her one.
sex isn't everything focus on the rest of the 99% of the relationship. Icing is just icing without the cake.......but cake is still cake regardless. Sex is the icing........go for more cake
My husband and I are christian also but we don't have the problems that you both have. You just need to keep going to counseling and love your wife. She has to know that you and hopefully she still want to be close as husband and wife. She needs to understand that you are still a man and fulfil her wifely duties. I hope this wasn't to hurtful speaking (or writing).





I was raped over a few years by a stepdad when I was 12 and thought I would never like sex. My husband and I have our fun after our children go to bed every night (every once in awhile we skip a day but we still enjoy the act). Good luck with your wife.
Well, there are other ways for her to have sex with you that don't involve that painful part of her body. If she's willing and you are too, you can compromise in that regard. But remember that you have to make deposits into the relationship in order to make any withdraws.





Do you feel that it's unfair for her not to be working? Asking her to do the household work is only fair since you're working outside the home. Maybe she can get a part time job doing something she enjoys if not to help out with the bills. As for wanting to change, you can't do anything about that. All you can do is tell her how you feel (frustrated and feeling a sense of unfairness because you're doing all the working, for example) and love her. Hopefully, out of love for you, she will do what she can to make things better.





Oh... and keep praying for her, every day. I've found that unexpected things happen when we ask God to get involved. And take care of yourself and talk with married guy friends to get their advice and support!
Sorry to hear this cause sex is a very big part of any relationship and if she doesn't enjoy it then there is something wrong or there isn't more to it then that The tear I would go to another doctor and try to go with her so you will know what is going on. You can also try some other thing as of sex like oral but that is to personal any way get to a real shrink and away from the church please. I understand but they will try to do weird things. Good luck
Oh dawg.... why the heck did you marry her? Do you guys have kids? A vaginal tear that isn't repairable... what kind of a tear is that? We women get tears the size of a house and we are like new after a couple of months. Did you actually hear the doctor say this? Oh my.... If you guys don't have kids, yet... then what's stopping you from divorcing her? Will you wait until you meet someone who will force you to divorce her? You should have listened to your gut feeling back then.... it's still screaming saying: '; She ain't the right one for you!!!'; Don't you hear it? Pray about this dude.
dude, that sounds tough... I'm not sure I can really help much, but I can listen. I think I understand some of what you're going through. Click on my profile and send me a message with your e-mail address if you're interested in a private discussion. I'm also a Christian, and I know about the ';ultimatum'; thing. I don't believe in divorce, at least in this case I don't see any biblical grounds for divorce.


To be honest, I have trouble believing that the condition she has could be permanent. How long do you take to ';warm up';? I have more detailed questions, but I'd rather not ask them in public.
I think her story about the vaginal tear not being repairable is baloney. I think she isn't that committed to the marriage thing and is using that for an excuse not to participate in the marriage. You should find an independent doctor to confirm this suspicious story and get to the real reason why the marriage is not satisfying to her.
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. That's crummy. It sounds like your marriage is not going to work mainly because sex is such an important part of a marriage. I myself, have been to marriage counseling with my husband, and the first thing the therapist asked us was, ';Are you both still having sex?';. He said that marriages are much, much easier to mend as long as the couples are still intimate with each other. So you see, sex and intimacy in a marriage is crucial. Your wife has a vaginal tear, so obviously that's a very legitimate concern, but it almost sounds like she just does not like sex -- perhaps due to her religious beliefs?? And to be in a sexless marriage is not at all fair to you. After all, sex is a very human need. I also don't think it's healthy that she's not working. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, so she should do her part as well. Even though you are both religious, it doesn't sound like you're compatible. (Sorry!) Please don't let religious guilt keep you from the happiness you deserve. We all deserve to find somone who's right for us, and if she can't be that person, then sadly, you may need to think about ending it.
SHE needs help. You need some too but not nearly as bad as HER. Dang. Make her get a job.





Don't let the religious guilt get to you. I grew up in an Independent Fundamental Baptist church and school and they were all about cramming guilt down your throat... but after I got out of that particular church and into another one I found out that God is full of love and forgiveness, so don't fret over it.
I would say that a good start is counseling, but she should realize just because she does not like sex does not mean that you don't if she does not like penetration then there is oral. And maybe she feels like she is not good enough for you and is not giving you what you need. I wish you the best. Good Luck and God bless.
geez your really in a tough spot arent you, I feel for you, Give her an ultmatum either ship up or ship out, I understand that you are a christian, but nobody should have to live as unhappy as you, and you should go to the doctors with her in this day and age its hard to believe there is not something a doctor could do to fix whatever is wrong with her down there, maybe she went to the wrong doctor, or this is just what she told you, she sounds as if she may be the one depressed, find another doctor good luck