My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and together for three. We have a baby girl.
To be honest, I'm tired. Really tired. I don't think my husband gets it. I've tried talking to him and suggested marriage counseling several times but nothing. He insists that I'm the problem and refuses marriage counseling because ';he doesn't need anyone to tell him how to run his house';.
I've even drawn up divorce papers but he refuses to sign them. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I've bent over backwards and made some real positive changes in my life but to no avail. Two nights ago, he made some disparaging remarks about my character and I just couldn't take it. I dished it back as good as he was serving it. He was feeding our daughter in one room and I was in the other. The next thing I know, he flies into the room I'm in to throw me down on the bed and tell me, ';he's not going to stand for me calling me names';. As calmly as possible, I told him that if he lays one hand on me, he's going to jail. Plain and simple. He then proceeds to tell me that he's going to call my boss and make me lose my job because after all, he's the reason I got the job in the first place. After that, he picks up the phone to call my father (who's in another state) and tell him how my ';behavior'; is unacceptable. Of course, he neglected to tell my father how he was pushing me around.
I'm not about to sit here and become someone's emotional (or physical) punching bag. My husband has serious insecurity issues (I completed graduate school and he's never been to college) and as much as I try to assuage him, it doesn't matter. I'm tired of apologizing for having gone to school!
My biggest concern is that if he doesn't address these issues we're having that our daughter will be the one to suffer. I'd sooner leave him that to let that happen.
Any advice from anyone out there who's been through difficult times in their marriage?Does anyone have any advice on how to get through the difficult times in marriage?
Before I answer your question, let me explain why I feel I am qualified to answer it. I am 35 years old with a stay at home wife and TWIN girls who are 31/2 years old. I am the sole bread winner of the family, and do a hell of a lot more around the house than most husbands who don't even work! My wife and I love each other very much, but over the last 2 years things have been horrible difficult financially, emotionally, sexually, you name it!
But you know what? We are 100% committed to our marriage and our family. We may not like each other all the time, but we do still love each other. And the thing that gets us through even the worst of days is that we know that our fighting and arguing isn't necessarily about each other, but about our circumstances. Prior to being married my wife worked, I worked, and we had a solid six figure income. Now we are single income, two kids, down economy, and things are obviously a lot different. But we know they won't always be this way. Just as things won't always be this way for you and your husband.
What you need to figure out is if you two are having issues with each other? Or just not handling the stresses of life and the frustration you're feeling as well as you should? Yes, name calling is all a part of it. And it's easy to blame the other for not ';understanding you'; as well as you think they should. But unless you two are the root cause of each other's problems, then you need to both take a deep breath and focus on working as a team to take on life's challenges. Your husband should also be your partner and your best friend, so remind him of that. Remind him that you NEED him. You might be surprised at how much better than works than constantly trying to prove that he is a little bit more in the wrong than you are....Does anyone have any advice on how to get through the difficult times in marriage?
leave him before he hurt you or the child he may be at his breaking point !!
When he married you, he married 'UP'. But, he seems unable to maintain it or move forward. An education is not to be wasted, but then, neither is the heart of a good woman. He's obviously feeling inadequate when it comes to education and probably takes it personally that you graduated from something more than high school. The opposite is what he needs to do. He needs to learn to be proud of you and he needs to learn to respect you as his 'equal'. Until that happens, you two will always be at odds with each other.
First of all you already drew up divorce papers, and gave them to him. Did you do this while under the same roof?
My biggest concern is this last fight you discribe, this is a big red flag that these kind of fights will end up leading to violence.
If you can get out, perhaps have a lawyer put in to the papers that if he seeks couples counseling then you can work it out. Perhaps if he is forced into it he may do it if he doesnt want to lose you.
It sounds as though you two have some issues you can not just work thru. So if you can't get the help to work it out then time to move on.
get in contact with your mother and father arrange some time away from you job then pack a bag and go visit your parents bring the divorce papers with you if you have a small tape recorder you can record the emotional things that are going into your house and when you go home bring those things and explain to your dad how you are feeling remember blood is thicker than water and that you and your family maybe able to help you with your options but let me tell you that is not the proper environment for your daughter ti grow in that is dis functional and may cause long term problems if not taking care of
First of all this is what i was going to say until i read the bottom half of your message: I haven't been through what your going through but i think you should take your baby and move out for just a few weeks show him exactly what it would feel and look like with out you or his baby there 24/7 he is taking you for granted. sometimes men just need to be slapped in the face with reality before they get the picture. then when he realizes your not kidding then he will hopefully start to straighten up because he really does love you and wants you to be there with him. now that i read your whole message. you need to leave for sure before it does come to a point of physical abuse not only for you but for your daughter. next time he gets mad the baby might be in his arms and something might happen.. just remember its not only your life you are protecting now its the babies also. You obviously do not seem happy and that should never be the case. you've already done your part by trying to talk to him maturely tried counseling tried divorce nothing. but try the whole leaving thing for a few weeks.. and see how he changes if he does and you see it then try to work things out but make sure you do not let any one touch you hurtfully. you deserve way more. good luck
hun im sorry, the only advise i have is pack up and leave take out a restraining order he sounds like an idiot.
if you stay it will only make it worse for you and your daughter.
he will make your life a living hell.
once you get into that cycle you will think its normal people like him brain wash others to thinking that.
pack up leave and go to your dads for a while get a divorce dont let anyone else tell you otherwise its for your own good.
your just going to drive your self crazy, bite the bullet and leave!!!
You've encouraged counseling, made sacrifices, even threatened him with divorce and he's still being a jerk. It's not likely he's going to be any different anytime soon. Something drastic in his life needs to happen. You probably don't want to hear this but you need to get out fast. It's unhealthy for you and your child to be in this relationship. Counseling might be effective during separation if he's willing to work on it.
I think you already answered your own question and are looking for support and reinforcement here.
Yes,
you are in an abusive relationship which will only escalate, putting both you and your daughter at risk.
Remove yourself and your child from this toxic situation and move on!
When you think of leaving him, how do you feel? Do you inwardly cringe or do you feel in your bones that this is not working, and it should end?
I had some really rough times in my marriage, but I know that it is worth working on. I was not sure, if I should be with him, but I was sure I didn't want to be without him! If you decide to give the relationship another chance, there is a lot of written stuff that can help you understand what might be going on. Two books really changed things for me, and am now much happier! Men are different and they need different treatment to have the best of them come up!
You have been with him for three years- is your heart in this relationship? If not, leave and never second-guess yourself.
My ex-husband and I would argue (at first), he would run up on me (as your husband does you) to apparently frighten me and it did. I’m a pretty opinionated woman and WILL give my opinion, warranted or not! At first it would be child-like behavior (name calling etc…), he would always tell me “you go straight for the jugular”, and I did but there was good reason for this. I am 5’2 %26amp; 130 lbs. and he is 6’2 %26amp; 230 lbs., after arguing bored him he then started pushing me which in the end came to full on WWE matches. Thank God no children, well he tried, I tried not to (secretly of course). I soon “learned” to keep my mouth shut. My self-esteem went to **** and I’m a very secure person (was before I met him and again after with serious work). Your husband will probably end up physically attacking you, and from what you tell us, it appears this will happen soon. This behavior only escalates; NEVER GETS BETTER (not without help anyway). He is not going to, all of a sudden, stop acting this way. Men don’t change; they are who they are and who they’ve always been. Men (and women) can work on issues to make themselves better but they don’t just change, especially not if they don’t see anything wrong in what they are doing. I think if you left for awhile and came back you would only experience, what they call “the honeymoon stage”. This is probably delaying the inevitable and a waste of time. Your relationship would appear wonderful at first but eventually go right back into its same routine. What I don’t understand is why he won’t sign the papers, if he’s not happy within the marriage he should. This could mean he really loves you and may want to stay with you but this could also mean he just does not want to be alone. Some people would rather live unhappy than live alone, either way it’s not a healthy lifestyle, for anyone. Your daughter will soon think that this is how everyone lives. Break this cycle before it begins.
My suggestion to you is PLAN, PLAN, PLAN! Unfortunately, you have a baby now(well, not your child but the situation he has put her in) and you’ll need to plan before you leave because of her. If it were only you, you could grab your keys and head out the door but with children it’s not that easy. Start putting money away (secretly) and start looking for an apartment (and ALWAYS REMEMBER the situation, no matter how bad it may seem, will not always remain that way), a safe little home for you and your little girl. Find someone you trust, someone you know will never talk to your husband and have them help you stash appliances/clothes etc. for your new home. Get a credit card in your name only (for emergencies) as a back -up. If you are a stay-at-home mother, start sending resumes out (again…secretly). Set up an e-mail address that he does not know about for inquires about future employment. Start looking for childcare for your daughter and soon after your life will slowly return to the normalcy we all seek. Eventually you will find a man who will treat you, and your precious baby, with love, care and honesty. It will happen; always believe that. I wish you both the best of luck! I know this is “easier said than done” but it’s something you may have to do, for you and your daughter, you deserve to be happy.
My ex used to call my grandmother (to tattle, LOL) and it made me sick; the lack of maturity he displayed, it really made me sick…..such a turn-off. Sorry guys…but some of you are really, really immature, and you know it too.
You know you don't need his approval to divorce him. If I were in your shoes I would say he has a choice: he's going into couples counseling AND working on his **** or your filing the divorce papers because this is no way to live. Basically I'd make 1 last effort to work out the problems but be prepared to file if that fails. Whatever you do, I wish you well. Good luck!
It sounds like the situation in your marriage is extremely difficult but it seems you have tried doing everything you can to save your marriage. You've tried to talk to him about it I am assuming (you said that you apologized for going to school---which makes me think there have been discussions about those issues in your marriage). You said you tried to go to counseling and he just won't. You even realize that it's HIM with insecurity issues, and that he's taking them out on you. You even tried to get a divorce. I think you have tried everything and it takes two to make a marriage work and he won't take his part to do it.
You're starting to stand up to him which is so good, good for you....but I wouldn't want you or you child to ever get hurt because your husband can't handle that you have an opinion or a mind of your own.
I CAN NOT!!! believe that he called your father, your own husband tattling on you!!!!
You are right your daughter will suffer and it seems like he could very easily turn from you being his punching bag to her being his punching bag. I grew up in a household where my father said awful things to me, and pushed me and slapped me around. It has affected my entire life, especially in my marriage, and before when I was dating because not getting my father's love gave me little self respect for myself. I didn't get the love from my father, so I would get it from other men (not saying that I slept around but I felt I needed a males love so badly). The only reason I am telling you this is so you know how it can make your baby girls life different--forever. It doesn't matter how much YOU love her, if her father is telling her horrible things, she could still develop issues.
I went through lots of difficult times in my marriage and it's only been three years, marriage is so hard!! However my husband is willing to work on things, got to counseling and stuff like that. Your husband..i don't know isn't so willing i guess. But the thing is you know all this stuff already and you know he doesn't want to do anything to change it, and you know his treatment of you is wrong, so hun, why do you stay?
I would do whatever you can, save up the money, stay with friends or relatives, do what ever possible thing you can until you can get away from him. I don't think your marriage is salvageable...but you are the only one who can decide that. I am so so sorry that this is happening to you, you seem like a very stong, smart, woman and I hope that all turns out well.
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